Sometimes you are so selfish I just want to scream at you, “why the fuck do you think your time is more important than mine?!?!”
Feels good to get that out there.
So my life seems as though it is going in circles. Wasn’t I just talking to you last year? Okay maybe not as graphically or comfortably but we were still talking. Flirting. You were so into me, I think you still are. But it seems kind of ridiculous, 2.5 hours to waste in 60 miles, not time for a gf? Shady. See this time is different though. I know you now, and I know who you are, and who you can be, and who you turn into. I know that you think I’m sexy and you want my lips but do you want my brain? You talk to me like you do, we have some pretty sweet conversations, but I can’t trust you. Nope. Not again. You were an ass hole. A complete ass hole. I can’t tell if you really are into me but you are honestly too busy, or if you just want to kiss me again, “have fun” together. It would be nice, it would give me something to tell those at home. Something to make him jealous. I think about you sometimes, how it would be nice to do the things we did before. Dinner and walks and talks. But do you ever really think about me? Probably not, I’m probably just someone you see as an easy target because I’ve been there before and I know what I am getting myself into this time that way you can’t feel bad if you fuck me over again, it will be my fault. Well here is where the decision takes place….I’ll just roll with it. Peace
I always wanted to be a ballerina ;)
We just work like this
One boy made paper flowers made out of scrap paper and colored them yellow with his highlighter. Another created a scavenger hunt for his fellow ping love. And another is out with his ex who I guess is no longer his ex but who has taken my place after I took hers. I am not one to wallow (sp?) in self pity, and honestly I love being single…no one to tell me what I can and can’t do (not that I would allow that anyway). No one to check in with or worry about and I have none of the negative emotional stress that comes along with relationships. I wish I was in love with someone but I’m not and I am not about to waste my time looking for it when it can simply come to me. I am just bore tonight. Not mad, not sad, maybe a little bitter, but mostly…bored. Eating a pizza (which is terrible for me) and watching some desperate housewives is my plan. So i’m out.
Peace
My grades are high, my job status has risen, and I’m going to the Carribean. I can’t say I have had this many good things go right for me in a while. It has been a nice relief from all the stress of my friends and Chris. Now my stress is financial. I am so broke, for the rest of my life. Okay it probably won’t take me that long to pay off my trip to Punta Cana, but I am really broke and I will be for a while. My sister is sweet, she is paying for me. The sour thing about is she’s making me pay her back. ;) I will be using all my money to pay her back as fast as I can. I have never been out of the country or to a real beach before. All inclusive, I get all the drinks I want… and I can drink alcohol legally! I am such a loser. Brad has somehow turned me on again. No. No. No. I will never (well maybe not NEVER) be anything more than a friend to him again. I know he was an ass and yes I denied it a lot but hey, love is blind. And no, I was not in love with him but infatuation is blind too. It is nice to have life back in order. It’s seemed like some pretty hectic times lately but as I sit here and look around I realize things are back to how I like them. Krisi is obsessively studying while admitting to me it’s her “zen” and that she talks to her self on a regular basis, even when I’m not in the room. :) I’m in bed by 11pm as usual. I’m pretty lame but I love to sleep so much. I get what I need to get done in time to get at least, at the very least, 8 hours. I hate when I get less than that. Anyway, I’m about to get into “The Things They Carried,” Signing off. Peace
As life goes on and I move farther and farther from high school, my life seems to continually be dramatic. The girls I considered such good friends that I would have done anything for them are now such mean and ignorant people. It’s not as if they weren’t mean and ignorant before, but naturally, love is blind, and unfortuantely I loved these girls as if they were my sisters and now my vulnerability toward them has come to bite me in the ass. Of course it’s not something I dwell over nor do I really let their opinions ge to me, but it still hurts. Being called a “cunt” by someone you let live with you because she had no where else to go, does not feel good. The irony of it all is that as her and her sidekick spent their time trying to think of ways to hurt my feelings, sending me texts and telling me I’M IMMATURE. It’s really quite hilarious that I am important enough for theri time. I asked her if I could date him, face to face, she said it was fine. She was okay with it. It’s not fair that she can treat him like shit, cheat on him 6 times (including fucking other guys after dating him for 3 years), tell me that him and I should have dated a long time ago, let me get emotionally attatched, and then change her mind even though she had a new boyfriend of almost a year. I am not bothered by what they say, rather that they waste my time and energy by having me read that shit. In the end though, I’m sure she is happy, we didn’t last, i’m too far. Here’s the thing, I live in Athens, Ohio and he lives in Cleveland. That’s a four hour drive back and fourth on the weekends I feel like leaving. It’s really no practical. But I also feel like if you care about someone enough, you will want it to work so much that you will make it work no matter what the distance. I told him this, I told him I knew I cared more because I would have made it work because I wanted to be with him and only him, and once again all I heard was silence ont he other end. Chris is not very good at sharing how he feels which is what caused a lot of my insecurities throughout the short time we were together. And now that it’s over I still don’t know exactly how he felt about me, all I know is that he apparently still has feelings and that he really did care. I don’t see how you can care about me, have sex with me 10 days earlier, and start hanging out with the girl you broke up with me for again. I know, I know, you loved her. Well I think I loved you and that doesn’t count for shit so why should yours? Being close friends is amazing, we have been close since the day we met, when I was “just Jen.” But it’s also hard because I want to talk to him all the time, I want to hear his voice, and know that in a week i’ll be in his arms. Unfortunately, I’ll be spending Valentines Day alone, without him, as he’s cooing over his old girlfriend, making her the new. It’s not my fault I can’t be there, he knew I was leaving. He ripped my emotions apart. The worst part is I feel numb, letting myself feel the pain is pointless, because I cannot change what’s happening. There is no way to get him back. I just have to get over it, I just have to move on.
My sister came this weekend, it was Sibs Weekend. We had fun and I love hanging out with her. I don’t get to see her very often so when I do I really enjoy it. She is my best friend although there is a lot of things I can’t tell her for fear of her dissapointment in me. But I try my hardest to be a good person. I am just very very different than her. I don’t judge as easily and I am more prone to trying new things. I do things she looks down upon on other people but they are things I think are perfectly okay given the circumstance and the person’s ability to self-control. I was sick all weekend and now at 10:47 I am exhausted even after a pretty solid nap today, so I am signing off.
Peace
