I swear I graduated 2 years ago
As life goes on and I move farther and farther from high school, my life seems to continually be dramatic. The girls I considered such good friends that I would have done anything for them are now such mean and ignorant people. It’s not as if they weren’t mean and ignorant before, but naturally, love is blind, and unfortuantely I loved these girls as if they were my sisters and now my vulnerability toward them has come to bite me in the ass. Of course it’s not something I dwell over nor do I really let their opinions ge to me, but it still hurts. Being called a “cunt” by someone you let live with you because she had no where else to go, does not feel good. The irony of it all is that as her and her sidekick spent their time trying to think of ways to hurt my feelings, sending me texts and telling me I’M IMMATURE. It’s really quite hilarious that I am important enough for theri time. I asked her if I could date him, face to face, she said it was fine. She was okay with it. It’s not fair that she can treat him like shit, cheat on him 6 times (including fucking other guys after dating him for 3 years), tell me that him and I should have dated a long time ago, let me get emotionally attatched, and then change her mind even though she had a new boyfriend of almost a year. I am not bothered by what they say, rather that they waste my time and energy by having me read that shit. In the end though, I’m sure she is happy, we didn’t last, i’m too far. Here’s the thing, I live in Athens, Ohio and he lives in Cleveland. That’s a four hour drive back and fourth on the weekends I feel like leaving. It’s really no practical. But I also feel like if you care about someone enough, you will want it to work so much that you will make it work no matter what the distance. I told him this, I told him I knew I cared more because I would have made it work because I wanted to be with him and only him, and once again all I heard was silence ont he other end. Chris is not very good at sharing how he feels which is what caused a lot of my insecurities throughout the short time we were together. And now that it’s over I still don’t know exactly how he felt about me, all I know is that he apparently still has feelings and that he really did care. I don’t see how you can care about me, have sex with me 10 days earlier, and start hanging out with the girl you broke up with me for again. I know, I know, you loved her. Well I think I loved you and that doesn’t count for shit so why should yours? Being close friends is amazing, we have been close since the day we met, when I was “just Jen.” But it’s also hard because I want to talk to him all the time, I want to hear his voice, and know that in a week i’ll be in his arms. Unfortunately, I’ll be spending Valentines Day alone, without him, as he’s cooing over his old girlfriend, making her the new. It’s not my fault I can’t be there, he knew I was leaving. He ripped my emotions apart. The worst part is I feel numb, letting myself feel the pain is pointless, because I cannot change what’s happening. There is no way to get him back. I just have to get over it, I just have to move on.
My sister came this weekend, it was Sibs Weekend. We had fun and I love hanging out with her. I don’t get to see her very often so when I do I really enjoy it. She is my best friend although there is a lot of things I can’t tell her for fear of her dissapointment in me. But I try my hardest to be a good person. I am just very very different than her. I don’t judge as easily and I am more prone to trying new things. I do things she looks down upon on other people but they are things I think are perfectly okay given the circumstance and the person’s ability to self-control. I was sick all weekend and now at 10:47 I am exhausted even after a pretty solid nap today, so I am signing off.
Peace
